Part of me cannot wait for this bundle to arrive, but the other part wants it to be just the 3 of us a little longer. While I have no doubts about being a family of 4, I know I can never go back to only being 3. I will have to give two children a bath, tuck two children into bed, worry about feeding two children, and love two children.
Honestly, I don't know how I could love another child as much as I love Elle. I know that I will and that God will provide that love through me, beyond my understanding, but I cannot imagine. I'm almost afraid to. It feels like if I love another child as much as I love her, then I can't possibly love her like this. I don't want to stop loving her as much as I do, and I don't want to split that love. But, I am certain that God will not allow that and he will just give me more love to share. I don't know how it is possible, but if he can do it for the world, certainly I can do it for two children.
Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted several children, but this time of being pregnant is time for me to process through these feelings. I didn't expect to love Elle the way I do. In a way that I cannot even describe. In a way that I do not understand completely, myself. I look at her and I am overwhelmed by emotions and love (that could also be the hormones right now). I might just have a heart attack with all the emotions I'll have for 2.
I longed to be a mother my whole life. I let go of other dreams because the dream of motherhood was so much greater and I wouldn't trade it for the world. This is so much better than any other way I could have imagined my life turning out.
I longed to be a mother and loved the idea of it. Now that I am a mother, I love it even more.
