I mentioned before that I trust God to provide my needs, but I wasn't okay with the journey. I know the "end", but I don't want to read the story. I think....THINK, I'm ready for the journey. I THINK I'm okay with what God has in store for me. I want to so bad, maybe I just need to say it?? So here I am saying, I am okay with whatever I might experience before God provides a job. I'm okay with not being able to eat out. I'm okay with turning off the cable for now. I'm okay with cutting back on everything if that is what it takes. At least I think I am. One step at a time. One tiny baby step at a time.
My journey through this terrifying time in my life continues. I still have a job, but it is supposed to end at the end of March. I did hear that the place I interviewed wants to hire me, but I'm not sure how legitimate this rumor really is, and I don't know when the hiring will happen. Is God telling me to wait? Or, should I be putting all my energy into finding a new job? The rumor came from a pretty reliable source, but should I put all my "eggs in one basket"? I need God to write it out in the clouds. I don't have enough faith in myself to listen. I am always second guessing. How do I know if God is really talking to me?
On another similar note, I'm still searching for what the future holds. What is next for me? Am I supposed to go to graduate school? What do I do once I get a job? Is that it? Can I start expanding my family? This process is one that I don't think I was really expecting to go through after graduation. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and now I don't. A terrifying place to be. I thought I knew what God wanted me to do in my life and now I don't. Even more terrifying. Which brings me back to "How do I know if God is really talking to me?". How will I know what to do next if I can't even hear what God is saying? Am I not listening, or is he not talking yet?
So I feel like I just vomited words everywhere. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, or if I've moved forward at all. I feel like such a mess right now. My thoughts are constantly running 100 miles a minute. So fast I can't focus on one. A whirlwind. I feel super emotional and I could lose it at any moment. Although sometimes I feel like I have no emotion at all. I am not okay. ARGH!
My goal this week is to learn to delight in the Lord and ALL he has to offer. I love him. I worship him. I am in awe of him. I want to delight in his will.
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